Dalton's Top News Stories of 2019
Was 2018 crazy or what? OMG! But wait (as they say on infomercials), 2019 will be even wackier and you can read it here before it actually happens. In his annual Daniel Island News exclusive, Dalton Williams gives his readers a peek over the horizon at the top news stories of the year yet to unfold.
January
The 116th Congress convenes. The House chaplain’s invocation is interrupted by shouts of “Impeach him!” and “Lock her up!” Capitol police are called to quell the ruckus. Campaigning and fund raising for the 117th Congressional election begins. The next day police and EMS officers rescue Representative Joe Cunningham whose tongue is stuck to a flagpole outside the Capitol. Cunningham tweets later that he did it because Lindsay Graham triple dog dared him. The New York Times calls Graham a terrorist. Avenging a regular season loss, The Citadel beats Alabama for the college football championship.
February
The Citadel rallies in the fourth quarter to defeat the New Orleans Saints in Super Bowl LIII. Punxsutawney Phil predicts six more weeks of winter and then returns to his inner sanctum. The televised 91st Oscar Ceremony ends before the award for best picture is announced. A new award for trashing Trump is established and presenters Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin run out of air time before the 874 nominees can be named. TV coverage of the event ends and is replaced by a rerun of Duck Dynasty. The new deck and plaza overlooking the west side of Guggenheim Park open.
March
Just two weeks after he announces new plans to abate downtown flooding, Charleston Mayor John Teckenburg’s car is swept out to sea while he is driving down East Bay. President Trump announces new tariffs on Kiribati and Tuvalu. “These guys aren’t going to rip us off,” he tweets. The UK Brexit becomes official. France establishes a toll booth at their end of the Channel. Government officials are caught off guard when Mexico announces it will build a border wall from California to Texas and pay for it themselves. Protesters crowd the Guggenheim Park deck demanding more apartments be built on Daniel Island.
April
Robert Mueller announces his investigation is ended with nothing to report. He grins and adds, “April Fool.” Muller then predicts six more years of investigations and returns to his inner sanctum. A study by Mensa International reports that smart TVs, smart phones, and other smart devises are all smarter than their owners. A caravan of migrant workers is stopped at the Niagara Falls border station and detained until a series of phone calls between Prime Minister Trudeau and President Trump confirms that they are the cast of the Cirque Du Soleil Beatles Love Tour and can enter the United States.
May
Mt. Pleasant police report they have broken up a ring smuggling plastic straws from Mexico. “They get kids hooked on these,” a police spokesperson states holding up one of the contraband straws, “and who knows where it could go from here.” In a surprise move Amazon acquires Home Depot. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos sheepishly explains that he was buying moving supplies for his two new HQ2 locations and said, “Alexa, buy 400 Brazilian dollies from Home Depot” and that Alexa replied, “Buying Home Depot for 400 billion.” Trump tweets that Amazon should be broken up or at least close The Washington Post.
June
The annual Rotary Charity Duck Race is a success raising money for charities and service projects. Rotary officials are in a quandary, however, as the winning duck was adopted by John Tecklenburg. The Mexican government completes the border wall in record time; however, it is quickly determined the wall is about ten miles south of the U.S. - Mexican border effectively adding about ten thousand square miles to the United States. Trump tweets, “Great deal. #Built that wall. Dilly, Dilly.” Nancy Pelosi announces a House Subcommittee has uncovered evidence that Donald Trump was born in Kenya.
July
Google launches autonomous electric police cruisers to patrol higher crime areas 24/7. The experiment, branded as Google Blue, is cancelled within weeks after repeated complaints by Dunkin Donuts franchisees about the cars blocking their drive thru. Putin discloses he has Hillary Clinton’s missing emails and offers to hand them over if the U. S. will stand down while he invades the Ukraine. Trump tweets hands off Ukraine but offers to finish the Trump hotel in Moscow for the emails. The House votes 235 to 200 to let Putin keep the emails but offers to give him Justice Brett Kavanaugh instead of the Ukraine.
August
Despite job losses from General Motors plant closings, officials in Michigan say the impact should be mitigated by the recently enacted recreational marijuana law. “Some folks will make money growing plants at home,” a state official says, “and the others won’t care.” Bernie Sanders proposes a $100 an hour minimum wage and repeal of the 2nd Amendment. Representative Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez calls out Sanders as a pawn of the alt-right. Bitcoin goes to zero. Star Wars X is released with an opening scene of Luke Skywalker now living at The Villages in Florida using his lightsaber and the force to excel at shuffleboard.
September
Sailors off the coast of St. Helena Island in the South Atlantic discover John Tecklenburg’s electric car, still afloat, with the Mayor safely inside and paddling with his electric keyboard. The island’s roughly 4,500 inhabitants declare him Mayor but Tecklenburg declines stating he needs to get back to South Carolina to claim his duck race winnings. NASA’s Insight lander discovers a box of Broward County, Florida election ballots on Mars. Mt. Pleasant school officials agree to give students free access to paper straws to promote safe drinking and to help combat the epidemic of adolescent plastic straw experimentation.
October
Amazon announces a new service. Customers can arrange to, after death, have their remains picked up via an Amazon Prime truck and delivered to a convenient Home Depot store where they will be cremated and placed in an Amazon cardboard box. Remains can then be displayed in the floral department or shipped, at no added charge, to heaven or another a designated address. The house votes to impeach the President. The President pardons himself. The deep state shadow government comes into the light. The Constitutional crisis heads toward the Supreme Court. The stock market heads toward 2008.
November
The promoters who presented a pay-for-view golf match between Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson at Thanksgiving in 2018 announce the 2019 pay-for-view will be a mud wrestling match between the Duchess of Cambridge and the Duchess of Sussex. Mecum Auctions, who broadcasts auto auctions, films an episode from Interstate 526. They sell over 40 cars that are stopped in gridlock between exit 24 and Clements Ferry. ICE officials report they have discovered up to three hundred thousand people who had been hiding in the new United States territory.
December
Congress responds rapidly to the situation in the new territory as both political parties send in voter registration teams. Kid Rock tops the 2020 Presidential popularity polls. Outside the Washington beltway, people start becoming more civil, courteous, and kind to one another. Instances of bullying and snarky language in traditional and social media drop. Church attendance increases. Crime and opioid use declines. Flooding in downtown Charleston stops. The cement fairies add two more lanes to I-526 and I-26. And there are good tidings of great joy and on earth peace, good will toward men.