Natural consequences are great discipline tools

Editor’s note: Once a month, we pose a question submitted by one of our readers to a local professional or expert regarding parenting issues. For this issue’s question, a reader submitted a question about whether natural consequences can be used when disciplining teens when they make mistakes. We turned to local youth leader Kyle Taylor for the answer!

Question: Does allowing natural consequences for teen mistakes vs. disciplining create more responsible teens and critical thinkers?

Answer:

“Bob! Bob! Can you believe what just happened?”

“What, sweetheart?”

“It’s 8:30 p.m. and I just tried calling your daughter, like I told her I would, and she did not answer!”

*Looks at watch* “Maybe the movie is still playing.”

“It’s already been almost 82 seconds since I called and she hasn’t responded with a text!”

“Maybe her thumbs are sore from the other 86,318 seconds she’s texting during the day.”

“Bob, this is the third Friday night in a row this has happened. I think it’s time for some consequences.”

This is really a great question, and I can only imagine the Internet is saturated with blog posts and book recommendations from parents, psychologists, and experts alike on the topic (Googling “articles for parents on natural consequences” yielded 542,000 results). For better or for worse, I do not fit any of those molds. However, I have filled many roles with teenagers from small group leader, to mentor, to “adopted” brother, and variations in between for almost 10 years. My technical background so desperately wants to break this question down into parts, attempt to define underlying issues, and give incredibly rational arguments for practical solutions, all in 500 words or less. But it would be incredibly boring and no one would care. I believe there is one main point that will be incredibly valuable to parents.

Your ultimate job is to unconditionally believe in your kids.

Let the fear and worry go. Teens have issues in much the same way adults have issues. There is no perfect set of rules, or parenting book, or philosophy that will produce the perfect kids that make straight A’s, don’t complain about braces, don’t spill Coca-Cola on the living room rug, never break anything, and always smile in the family photos. Don’t let your vision of your perfect kids get in the way of seeing the progress in your kids. As a youth leader, I see a side of students most parents do not. Most teens do not tell their parents a whole lot of what is going on in their lives, even the good things. That doesn’t mean that the good things are not there. Somehow, someway, we all made it this far!

I love the saying, “There is success, and there is experience.” View mistakes by your kids as temporary. View their mistakes as not YOUR fault. And view mistakes as opportunities to make them better. As a youth leader, I tend to find greater opportunities to speak into a student’s life after they have done something really stupid. Kind of counter intuitive, I know. If your teen likes fighting, tell him (or her), “Good, the world needs more fighters. What do you think about taking kick boxing or jiu-jitsu lessons?” Remember to keep things in perspective, and count the things you are thankful for. As the parent, you are empowered and entrusted to lead your student more than anyone else. Do what feels right to help them grow into independent, responsible adults. Remember to focus on the positives, and believe in your kids’ potential even in the bleakest moments.

Kyle serves as a high school small group leader with “Custom” at Seacoast Church in Mt. Pleasant, and is also the creator and host of the Generation Giants Podcast, a personal development podcast for teens and young adults. The podcast is available on all of the main online media networks. Professionally Kyle is a Civil Engineer and a graduate of Academic Magnet High School and The Citadel.

Daniel Island Publishing

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Unit 108
Daniel Island, SC 29492 

Office Number: 843-856-1999
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