Dalton’s Top News Stories of 2020

JANUARY

Amazon announces plans to buy all grounded Boeing 737 MAX aircraft. Rather than fly the planes, Amazon says it will instead use them for much-needed product storage.

Clemson defeats LSU to win the college football championship. Coach Dabo Sweeney is uncharacteristically subdued in the post-game interview, speaking for only 27 minutes.

The British Parliament proposes a referendum to forgo Brexit if the European Union will take Prince Andrew.

Police report the cause of an accident and huge backup on I-526 to be a motorist watching the last episode of “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” on his phone.

FEBRUARY

Clemson defeats the Baltimore Ravens in Super Bowl LIV.

The Senate votes not to remove President Trump from office. Whistleblowers emerge with allegations of Trump double dipping on 20% off coupons at Bed Bath & Beyond, using a plastic straw in Mount Pleasant, and parking on the wrong side of Ithecaw Creek Street. Adam Schiff announces hearings will commence to deal with “this existential danger to democracy.”

MARCH

One hundred percent of students at the College of Charleston have the mumps.

The Peloton girl divorces her husband. She gets the house; he gets the bike.

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio announces a new “clean air tax” whereby residents and visitors will be charged a daily fee for breathing city air. “We spend millions cleaning this air,” the mayor states, “and somebody has to pay for it!” Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez proposes people with incomes above the national median pay an added “fair air fare” stating, “Breathing out expels carbon dioxide, and that is bad for the environment.”

APRIL

Responding to increased flooding, Charleston Mayor John Tecklenburg announces the city has invested in a fleet of gondolas.

Tom Brady confirms he will return for at least one more NFL season and signs a huge endorsement deal with AARP.

Spam email volume crashes the World Wide Web.

MAY

Congress takes no action on matters such as infrastructure, immigration, and opioids.

Mount Pleasant police are called to the Walmart on Highway 17 to break up a riot among shoppers fighting over newly-released Baby Yoda merchandise. Twelve people are arrested for disorderly conduct and three for trying to use expired coupons.

An elderly couple from Milpitas, reported to be the last middle-income residents of California, announce they are moving to The Villages in Florida.

JUNE

In a reversal of policy, the Federal Communications Commission bans the advertising of legal services. All Charleston television stations file for bankruptcy.

The Rotary Charity Duck Race is a success, raising funds to change lives in our community and around the world.

A 13-year-old boy uses Venmo to steal enough money from China and Russia to wipe out the national debt. While the FBI investigates the matter, President Trump proposes “giving the kid the Presidential Medal of Freedom.”

JULY

The Democratic Party adopts the slogan “Clean up by taxing the filthy rich” and nominates Elizabeth Warren for president and Hunter Biden for vice president.

The women’s volleyball team and men’s golf team from Bishop England High each win gold medals at the Summer Olympics in Tokyo.

After public meetings and push back from residents, the developers of the Seven Farms traffic circle space drop plans for a hotel in favor of a six-story pickleball court complex.

AUGUST

The Republican Party adopts the slogan “Is this economy crazy or what?” and nominates Donald Trump for president and Volodymyr Zelensky for vice president.

Due to weak in-store sales, the Mall of America is sold to Amazon, which will use the 5-million-square-foot property as a regional distribution center.

Russian bots ramp up for the November election.

SEPTEMBER

The first presidential debate quickly degrades into a full blown fist fight that would make the NHL proud. ESPN sports analyst Stephen A. Smith proclaims the bout too close to call but adds either contestant could smack down Myles Garrett.

Despite a payroll larger than the GDP of 145 countries, the New York Yankees fail to make the baseball playoffs.

Mayor Tecklenburg appears on “America’s Got Talent” playing his piano rendition of “Bridge Over Troubled Waters.”

OCTOBER

Presidential election polls report “a race too close to call, ugly rhetoric on all fronts, and a severely divided population angry at the other side’s candidates and supporters.”

In response to criticism that basing admissions on academic tests is discriminatory, Yale University states it will admit students from the applicant pool based on their last name in a predetermined number equal for each letter of the alphabet. “This is cool and way more fair,” say prospective students Aiden Quirk and Sophia Xu.

NOVEMBER

Just as networks are about to call election results, everything goes dark. A massive swarm of locusts covers the United States and, in addition to devouring the kale crop, knocks out the electrical grid. As people begin to venture from their homes, they meet neighbors they didn’t know. They talk, face to face. Conversation focuses on everyone’s well-being and how they can help one another. Discussion of what may have happened in the election fades as rumors circulate that election results may have been lost in the power outage. People gather to share a meal and give thanks for the genuine blessings at hand.

DECEMBER

People unite, taking personal and collective responsibility for their common good, and devote interest and energy into things they can directly influence. They talk, listen, share, and spend more time with family and friends.

Miraculously, the locusts disappear, kale crops return, and sea levels around Charleston recede. There is less use of cell phones, Facebook, and Twitter. The tone of conversation changes from snark to light. There is more respect, civility, and empathy. Church attendance soars. And there are good tidings of great joy and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Book sales increase.