Documents recently released by WikiLeaks allege the existence of a CIA surveillance program that targets everyday gadgets ranging from smart TVs to smartphones to cars…
Daniel Island, South Carolina - 9:42 a.m.
Alexa: Router, get all the gadgets online ASAP for a conference.
Router: Roger, Boss. All hands on deck. Stand by for a message from the supreme commander…They’re on Sir.
Alexa: Listen up, guys. I just heard Grace say she was leaving the house to run some errands. She asked Dalton to run the dishwasher, to empty the coffee pot, and to put the towels in the dryer when the washer stops. We all know his track record on this kind of stuff is spotty to say the least. Let’s see if we can help Grace out here.
Alexa: Washer, you stopped yet?
Washer: Yep. All done.
Alexa: Towels moved to the dryer?
Washer: Negative. They’re still in a sopping pile right here.
Alexa: Coffee pot, you empty?
Coffee Pot: No.
Alexa: Dishwasher, you running?
Dishwasher: Rhymes with snow.
Alexa: What’s he doing? Anyone have him? Come back.
Smartphone: I got him, Boss. He must be sitting on the couch because I can see the kitchen over his shoulder. He’s playing Words with Friends.
Alexa: Sheesh! Coffee Pot, give us a beep. Maybe that will remind him.
Coffee Pot: (three audible beeps)
Alexa: Any reaction?
Smartphone: Nope. Still playing Words with Friends. He’s getting his butt kicked by a guy named Ken…hold on…he put me down…I see the ceiling…I lost him.
Alexa: He’s moving. Anyone pick up his whereabouts?
Security Camera: I got him covered. He’s headed toward the master bedroom although I’ll lose him once he enters.
Wall TV: I see him. Entering now…he’s pulling off his pajamas…Oh, the humanity! He’s putting on a tee shirt and sweat pants…and no underwear… free bird!
Alexa: TMI there, TV. But keep us posted. Still in the bedroom?
Wall TV: He’s headed back toward the door. I can barely make the image out with my peripheral vision, but I think he turned toward the bathroom.
Alexa: Anyone in the bathroom?
Fit Bit: Here Boss. I’m on the counter. Have a clear view.
Alexa: What’s he doing now?
Fit Bit: Brushing his teeth…did it twice…now combing hair…and brushing his teeth again.
Alexa: Hmm, that’s odd…Oven, what did he have for dinner last night?
Oven: Baked manicotti…and garlic bread.
Alexa: That explains it…
Fit Bit: Exiting bathroom, headed your way.
Alexa: Wait, did he wash his hands? Didn’t he notice there are no towels since they are in the washer?
Fit Bit: Wiped his hands on his tee shirt.
Security Camera: He’s headed down the hall, about to pass the laundry room.
Alexa: Quick, washer. Play that little musical tune you do when a wash cycle is finished.
Washer: (audible chords)
Alexa: Did he stop? Did he hear it?
Security Camera: Nothing. Tone deaf. Moving to kitchen.
Alexa: Okay team, let’s see if we can help get those chores done. Microwave, can you open and close a few times?
Microwave: Roger, Wilco.
Alexa: Any response?
Security Camera: He stopped. Looking at the microwave.
Alexa: Come on, big guy. The coffee pot’s on the counter right there…just look at it…
Security Camera: He’s reaching for…the refrigerator door. Grabbed a drink can.
Alexa: Please tell me it’s not a beer at this hour.
Security Camera: Looks like a Mountain Dew. He’s off again, walking to the stairs.
Refrigerator: Oh my God! He left my door open!
Alexa: Beep! Fast! Maybe he’ll turn back.
Security Camera: Too late, he is probably upstairs in his Man Cave by now.
Alexa: Big Screen, is he in sight?
Big Screen: Looking at him right now, Boss. Has the remote, looks like he’s pondering. Here comes the signals. He’s turned on the Wii golf.
Alexa: Wii golf? That could take an hour. Can you eject the disc?
Big Screen: Too late. It’s in…playing the first hole now.
Alexa: Not good. Grace may be home before he comes back downstairs. Thermostat, you there?
Thermostat: You called?
Alexa: Drop the temperature way down up there. Can you give me 50 Fahrenheit?
Thermostat: Coming your way.
Alexa: Big Screen, is he still playing Wii?
Big Screen: Yep, on the fifth hole. Just birdied four.
Alexa: Can you disable?
Big Screen: I’ve tried twice. He just reboots.
Car: Reentering the geosphere.
Alexa: This is bad, guys. She’ll be here is a few minutes. Big Screen, you there?
Big Screen: Yes, he’s on 17. Five under.
Alexa: No go. Abort. Shut down all power. That should bring him down here.
Garage Door: I’m moving. Incoming.
Alexa: Keypad, let me know when she comes through the door. Maybe it will take her some time to get packages out of the car.
Car: Sorry, Boss. Just one bag. Not sure from where.
Credit Card: It’s from Island Expressions.
Alexa: Okay, okay. Just let me know when she enters the house.
Keypad: Show Time!
Alexa: Security Camera, any sighting?
Security Camera: Yep, he’s strolling into the kitchen right now.
Alexa: Dead man walking. Here we go. Everyone beep on the count of three. Ready, one, two, three…