Talk with animals
I do not understand the human race,
Has so little love for creatures with a different face,
Treating animals like people is no madness or disgrace,
I do not understand the human race.
-Dr. Dolittle
Futurologist William Higham predicts that within ten years we will have devices that can translate between human and dog (perhaps, cat, too) speech. This forecast was part of a report prepared for Amazon regarding innovative products of the future.
So advance the calendar a decade to 2027. Here are some likely dog and cat utterances translated into human speech by the new Amazon PetChat…
Dog: No way. I did not pee on the potted palm.
Cat: He did, too. Liar, liar, paws on fire!
Dog: Tell fluffy to go lick himself.
Cat: Remember when he lied about chewing the couch pillow?
Dog: Pizza? Did someone say pizza? Can we get it with pepperoni and squirrel?
Cat: Why would you buy a scratching post when we have all these chair, sofa, bed, table, and grand piano legs?
Dog: I’m under the bed because I’m scared of thunder. You’re afraid of lizards so we’re even.
Cat: If I ever get my paws on that laser pointer I’ll shine it your eyes at night!
Dog: I hope one day someone offers you a car ride and you end up at the vet!
Cat: If you didn’t want me up here, then I suggest you not put up a Christmas tree.
Dog: When you play golf do you hit the ball, then run after it, and bring it back? Welcome to my world of fetch. Bor-ring!
Cat: If you don’t stop with the baby talk I’m going to hurl on the Oriental carpet.
Dog: Sticking my head out a moving car window isn’t as stupid as you texting while you drive.
Cat: Here comes the UPS guy. He’s got a box. Hurry, take the junk out and give me that box.
Dog: I know you’re mad at me, but if I sit still and look up at you long enough, you’ll get over it.
Cat: Yo, man’s best friend. Before you drink out of the toilet again, let me tell you what they do in there.
Dog: That’s it. Yep. Up a little. Now let me roll over and you rub my belly. Oh. Yeah!
Cat: Hey, everybody. It’s 5 a.m. Time to rise and shine. Or do I have to smack you on the head again?
Dog: I overheard your husband say you had him on a short leash. I didn’t see any leash and I know leashes.
Cat: Next time you turn on the TV to keep us amused, how about “Say Yes to the Dress”? I can’t take another episode of “Animal Planet.”
Dog: Who put the mailboxes out at the curb? The mailman doesn’t even get out of his truck. Ruins all the fun.
Cat: If you don’t want me walking on the keyboard I suggest you turn off the computer, Einstein.
Dog: Where’s the ball? Wherestheball? WHERESTHEBALL? You know, the smelly, wet, sticky, yellow one.
Cat: For crying out loud. He went on the potted palm again. He’s nearly 50 in dog years. You’d think he’d know better by now.
Dog: You gonna eat that? That piece of food on your plate. If not, I’m here for you, man.
Cat: If you put a video of me on YouTube, then I promise I’ll spray in your shoes!
Dog: I’m glad you’re home. I’m glad you’re home. Yes, I am! Did you buy me anything at Petsmart?
Cat: Yeah, you’re home. Whatever.
And a few human remarks translated into pet talk…
Bacon, squirrel, walk, nap, stretch, tuna, bone, catnip, sleep, food, blah, blah, blah.