Talk with animals
I do not understand the human race,
Has so little love for creatures with a different face,
Treating animals like people is no madness or disgrace,
I do not understand the human race.
Futurologist William Higham predicts that within ten years we will have devices that can translate between human and dog (perhaps, cat, too) speech. This forecast was part of a report prepared for Amazon regarding innovative products of the future.
So advance the calendar a decade to 2027. Here are some likely dog and cat utterances translated into human speech by the new Amazon PetChat…
Dog: No way. I did not pee on the potted palm.
Cat: He did, too. Liar, liar, paws on fire!
Dog: Tell fluffy to go lick himself.
Cat: Remember when he lied about chewing the couch pillow?
Dog: Pizza? Did someone say pizza? Can we get it with pepperoni and squirrel?
Cat: Why would you buy a scratching post when we have all these chair, sofa, bed, table, and grand piano legs?
Dog: I’m under the bed because I’m scared of thunder. You’re afraid of lizards so we’re even.
Cat: If I ever get my paws on that laser pointer I’ll shine it your eyes at night!
Dog: I hope one day someone offers you a car ride and you end up at the vet!
Cat: If you didn’t want me up here, then I suggest you not put up a Christmas tree.
Dog: When you play golf do you hit the ball, then run after it, and bring it back? Welcome to my world of fetch. Bor-ring!
Cat: If you don’t stop with the baby talk I’m going to hurl on the Oriental carpet.
Dog: Sticking my head out a moving car window isn’t as stupid as you texting while you drive.
Cat: Here comes the UPS guy. He’s got a box. Hurry, take the junk out and give me that box.
Dog: I know you’re mad at me, but if I sit still and look up at you long enough, you’ll get over it.
Cat: Yo, man’s best friend. Before you drink out of the toilet again, let me tell you what they do in there.
Dog: That’s it. Yep. Up a little. Now let me roll over and you rub my belly. Oh. Yeah!
Cat: Hey, everybody. It’s 5 a.m. Time to rise and shine. Or do I have to smack you on the head again?
Dog: I overheard your husband say you had him on a short leash. I didn’t see any leash and I know leashes.
Cat: Next time you turn on the TV to keep us amused, how about “Say Yes to the Dress”? I can’t take another episode of “Animal Planet.”
Dog: Who put the mailboxes out at the curb? The mailman doesn’t even get out of his truck. Ruins all the fun.
Cat: If you don’t want me walking on the keyboard I suggest you turn off the computer, Einstein.
Dog: Where’s the ball? Wherestheball? WHERESTHEBALL? You know, the smelly, wet, sticky, yellow one.
Cat: For crying out loud. He went on the potted palm again. He’s nearly 50 in dog years. You’d think he’d know better by now.
Dog: You gonna eat that? That piece of food on your plate. If not, I’m here for you, man.
Cat: If you put a video of me on YouTube, then I promise I’ll spray in your shoes!
Dog: I’m glad you’re home. I’m glad you’re home. Yes, I am! Did you buy me anything at Petsmart?
Cat: Yeah, you’re home. Whatever.
And a few human remarks translated into pet talk…
Bacon, squirrel, walk, nap, stretch, tuna, bone, catnip, sleep, food, blah, blah, blah.