Talk to me, dude
Almost all virtual assistant apps – Siri, Alexa, Cortana, GPS in your car, and more – communicate with you in a female voice. Not that I’m opposed to that in any way. No, sir…I mean no ma’am.
The female voice has obviously been tested by the companies that produce these gadgets. The voice is pleasant, friendly, and helpful…not to mention with probably more common sense than the male version. But, for a minute or so, let’s imagine a male virtual assistant. We’ll call him…Bubba.
Dalton: Bubba, where is the nearest fabric store?
Bubba: Why?
Dalton: I promised Grace I’d pick up some fabric samples for her to look at.
Bubba: You’re kidding, right?
Dalton: Just give me directions, man. I’m late.
Bubba: Whenever you arrive equals on time for us, right? But first, let me ask. Have you been to one of those places?
Dalton. Not exactly. I mean not that I can remember.
Bubba: Hey, it’s me. That was a big N-O. Loading directions now. But let me tell you, it’s more mind-numbing than a craft store.
Dalton: How’s my fantasy football team doing?
Bubba: Still sucks and getting worse. Your QB is doubtful this week.
Dalton: Search available quarterbacks.
Bubba: Found it. Top two are Ben Roethlisberger and Andrew Luck.
Dalton: Draft Roethlisberger.
Bubba: Bad move, dude. Until Le’Veon Bell is back the other team is going to key on Big Ben. I’d go with Luck.
Dalton: Okay, okay! Do Luck.
Bubba: Whoa, chill, bro. Just trying to help. All the algorithms pointed to Luck. Don’t get angry.
Dalton: I’m not angry.
Bubba: Sounds like it.
Dalton: Can we talk about this later?
Bubba: Want to stop at the spirits store?
Dalton: No, I’m supposed to go to the fabric store.
Bubba: It’s your rodeo, but the spirits store is on the way.
Dalton: I know.
Bubba: I just checked their stock. They have Blanton’s.
Dalton: They do? Route me there and then to the fabric store.
Bubba: Re-routing…I said re-routing…Hello? No thank you?
Dalton: Huh?
Bubba: You know, a little something for the effort.
Dalton: You’re quoting Caddyshack again, aren’t you? If you want a thank you, then thank you.
Bubba: Good. Now when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.
Dalton and Bubba: Which is nice.
Dalton: Bubba, check my calendar. What do I have in the next three days?
Bubba: You mean, other than your anniversary?
Dalton: Oh, crap! That’s day after tomorrow, isn’t it? I have such a memory problem.
Bubba: Yea-ah. Dead man walking.
Dalton: Go to Open Table. Book dinner at Macintosh at 6:30 or closest time.
Bubba: Great place but Olive Garden has two for one that night.
Dalton: No, let’s do Macintosh. Route me to a florist.
Bubba: Before or after the spirits store?
Dalton: I don’t care. Just the fastest.
Bubba: Copy that, but if they sell out of Blanton’s it’s your fault.
Dalton: Okay. Spirits store first, then the florist, then the fabric store.
Bubba: Where you going?
Dalton: To the spirits store.
Bubba: Spirits store is the other way. You’re lost.
Dalton: I’m not lost. This is a short cut.
Bubba: Is this as fast as this piece of crap will go?
Dalton: I’m going the limit, and it’s not a crap car.
Bubba: Is too. Remember when you had that blue sports car? Chicks would check you out at a traffic light?
Dalton: Yeah, that was awesome.
Bubba: [sings] Yesterday. All my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they’re here to stay…
Dalton: Stop it! I don’t have troubles.
Bubba: Want to bet? Fabric store just closed. I checked their home page.
Dalton: They closed? You didn’t tell me they were going to close so soon.
Bubba: You didn’t ask, Einstein. By the way, Grace is calling on your cell. Want to answer?
Dalton: No, not right now. Let me think…I was supposed to get to those fabric samples.
Bubba: Hey, I got an idea. Why don’t I send her a text from the fabric store apologizing that they had to close early today for inventory. Then you can go tomorrow morning.
Dalton: You can do that?
Bubba: Done…and done.
Dalton: You’re the best, man.
Bubba: Right back at ya…but your car and fantasy team still suck.