Top news stories of 2018 - Dalton’s fearless predictions!
Editor’s Note: As another year draws to a close and a new one begins, it is time for an annual Daniel Island News exclusive. While traditional media report on the top news stories of the year ending, Dalton Williams gazes over the horizon for a peak at the top news stories of the year yet to come. Lest you think this is just fluff, the record shows that the predictions for 2016 foretold the Cubs winning the World Series and the forecast for 2017 prophesized the Dow Jones average to exceed 21,000. #Itoldyouso.
Alabama wins the NCAA Division I football championship. Both the Republican and Democratic parties recruit Nick Saban to run for Doug Jones’ Senate seat. Inspired by the large neon sign at Dockery’s, the Daniel Island Barber Shop replaces its 4-foot tall barber pole with a 40-foot neon barber pole. MIT scientists confirm that tests show conclusively that artificial intelligence is way smarter than human intelligence. Mike Lindell checks into the Mayo Clinic Sleep Center for insomnia treatment. President Trump tweets, “loser.”
Banned from competing for their country due to doping allegations, Russian athletes compete under the Olympic flag and win all the medals at the winter games at PyeongChang, South Korea. Nancy Pelosi blames President Trump and calls for Congressional investigations. Asked in an interview with CBS’s “Sixty Minutes” what impact Russia had on the 2016 election, Russian President Vladimir Putin replies, “Election eez, how you say, done deal. The Clintons are kaput, no longer wield power.” Amazon and Elon Musk announce a venture to invest in quantum teleportation technology. Airline stocks tumble.
Vladimir Putin mysteriously dies. The Soviet Politburo names Michael Flynn to succeed him. Reacting to the embarrassing mistake at last year’s Oscars, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announces they have replaced the accounting firm that historically counted votes. The new vote counter, James Comey, awards the Oscar for best actress to Hillary Clinton. The International Court of Justice in The Hague rules that Catalonia may be independent from Spain. Spurred by this and some critical tweets from President Trump, the California legislature votes to secede from the Union.
Sauer Grapes installs a neon sign depicting a cork being removed from a wine bottle. Bin 526 responds with a large neon sign depicting wine being poured from a bottle into a glass. Tiger Woods makes a respectable showing and garners most of the media attention at The Masters golf tournament; far more coverage than the tournament winner, some guy whose first name ends with the letter “n.” O. J. Simpson is arrested in Las Vegas for shop lifting football jerseys from a Foot Locker store. When it is later disclosed that the items taken are Cleveland Browns jerseys, the judge throws out the case.
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are married at Windsor Castle. Queen Elizabeth confers on Harry the title of Duke of Earl. The Duke and Duchess announce they will honeymoon at an undisclosed tropical island. The Rock wins a close election over LeVar Ball to be the first president of the new Nation of California. Sign envy overtakes Daniel Island. Literally. Envy Salon unveils a neon sign with snipping scissors that open and close while Egan’s Spirits sports a large flashing bourbon bottle sign.
In a dramatic overtime shootout Catalonia defeats California to win the FIFA World Cup final at Moscow’s Luzhniki Stadium. Russian President Flynn presents the winning team with the iconic trophy with its gold plating now covered in uranium. Paparazzi flood Folly Beach when it is revealed that the island where the Duke and Duchess of Earl are honeymooning is James Island. The Rotary Charity Duck Race is, once again, a success in raising money for many area charities. But there is a dispute over which duck finishes first in the race. Rotary club officials announce they will engage Robert Mueller to resolve the matter.
Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials disclose they have uncovered a major source of illegal immigration - people walking into the country from Canada through the completed, but not yet operable, Keystone XL pipeline. The CIA discloses that the rockets North Korea has been using for missile launches are made from Legos. President Trump adds Denmark to the list of State Sponsors of Terrorism. Congressional debate on the House floor is replaced with a mud wrestling competition. Nobody wins.
South Carolina Electric and Gas announces they will, after all, be able to produce power at their V. C. Summer nuclear plant following the discovery, by a SCANA technician, that the on-off switch had inadvertently been left in the off position. An Arkansas man who, as a protest, had driven his car into a Ten Commandments monument on the State Capitol grounds dies when he is attacked by locusts, spontaneously catches on fire, and then disappears when the earth opens up and swallows him. Jeff Bezos’s net worth tops $100 billion.
As its budget deficit widens, Illinois politicians announce they have engaged financial advisors from Puerto Rico and Venezuela. Amazon announces they have purchased Saudi Arabia. Energy stocks plummet. Facebook rolls out its app for dogs, complete with bark recognition software. At the same time, they scrap plans for a similar app for cats saying research reveals that cats don’t care about connecting with anyone. Treasury Secretary Mnuchin announces the administration has paid off all the national debt using bitcoins that had been secretly stored at Fort Knox.
Trip Advisor lists the neon lights of Daniel Island as one of the top 10 things to see and do in Charleston and calls Daniel Island the “new Upper King Street for scenes that are both hip and hot.” Walter Reed doctors diagnose severe carpel tunnel syndrome in President Trump’s thumbs and insist on a 30-day hiatus from tweeting. The Cleveland Indians end a 70-year drought by winning the World Series. Negotiations for debt-ridden California to be sold to a group of hedge funds crumble when the funds announce they don’t want to acquire Hollywood. A psychic wins billions playing keno at a Las Vegas casino.
New York City officials announce that their annual Thanksgiving Day parade, previously known as the Macy’s parade, will henceforth be titled the Amazon Thanksgiving Cyber Weekend Parade. Democrats celebrate gaining seats in the House and Senate in the mid-term elections. McConnell blames Trump. Trump blames McConnell and the doctors at Walter Reed. He tweets that he will resume tweeting and keep it up “until my thumbs fall off.” Leading retailers announce they will charge a fee for paying with cash citing the time and cost to make bank deposits and the need to train employees on how to make change.
The Nobel Peace Prize is awarded to German Chancellor Angela Merkel for humanitarian efforts in refugee relief. Trump’s thumbs fall off. Daniel Island is selected, once again, as one of the top town communities in America. Refugees riot in Hamburg and Munich. California is acquired by Mexico for an undisclosed number of bitcoins. Asked if the new Catholic Church to be built on Daniel Island will have a neon sign, Father Gregory West answers, “No neon, but we do have a sign. It’s a cross and we’ve had it for over two thousand years.” And there are good tidings of great joy and on earth peace, good will toward men.