USSs: Do you deliver more than you receive?
Welcome to the field of Suggestology, the science of advice, persuasion and exhortation.
What’s a USS? It stands for “UnSolicited Suggestion,” that is, a suggestion that flies off our lips even before a person has asked for one! Our impatience manifests itself in “The SS Exchange” (a Statement followed by a Suggestion):
Statement: “I’m not feeling too well. I think I still have a fever.”
Suggestion: “Maybe you should call the doctor and check it out.”
Statement: “I can’t stand my boss, he’s such a jerk.”
Suggestion: “Why don’t you quit and move on?”
As practicing suggestologists we dispense advice in the lunch room, the grocery store and the kitchen table. We rarely shy from telling others exactly what we think. We tell folks what to say (“Just tell him you’re not happy”); We tell them what to do (“Go ahead, call her”); We tell them how to think and how to feel (“Don’t let that bother you, don’t even think about it”).
To be fair, most suggestions are well-intentioned (“I just wanted to help.”). But too often, they’re unwelcome intrusions in a conversation. When a person complains about their job, they don’t necessarily want someone to tell them that it’s time to start looking for a new one. When a person struggles in a relationship, they don’t want someone to tell them that it’s time to find a new mate. And when a person reflects on a recent poor showing – in the boardroom or the ballfield – they don’t really want someone to tell them what to do the next time around.
Subtle or direct, a USS is still a USS. If only we could wait for the question.
Question: “I’m not feeling too well. I think I still have a fever. What do you think I should do?”
Suggestion: “Maybe you should call the doctor and check it out.”
Question: “I can’t stand my boss, he’s such a jerk. Do you think I stay?”
Suggestion: “Maybe it’s time to start looking for something new.”
Parents: Living in the Land of USS
Parents, at every age, are adept at offering USSs (some years ago, on the way to school, I asked our youngest daughter to recall a recent USS from my lips; it took her less than two seconds to recount the latest!).
As parents, we live in the Land of USS for good reason – we care about our children, we want to protect them, keep them safe, happy and healthy. We suffer when they hurt (emotionally or physically) and we worry about their future. But instead of waiting for the question (“What do you think I should do?”), we rush ahead and miss an opportunity to just listen.
So the next time a young one is airing it out, try listening as long as you can, then pose these five unambiguous words: “Would you like a suggestion?” Chances are they’ll respond with a quick “No, thanks,” but wait five minutes, or an hour or so, and you just might find they swing back and say: “OK, what is it, what was your suggestion?”
Go ahead, listen in on any conversation and notice how often a statement (not a question!) is followed by a suggestion (“I’m so cold,” “Would you like a sweater?”). Then start noticing how often you do the same.
You just might be surprised.