Dalton's 2022 Predictions

2021 ended on an uptick. Gas prices are up. Home costs are up. Crime is up. The number of COVID variants is up. Tensions and political divisions are up. Goodbye 2021. Time for it to up and scram. Now, are we up for 2022? What lies ahead in the next 12 months? As he does each January, Dalton lifts the veil on the top news stories of the year yet to unfold. Bring it on!

 

JANUARY

 

Citing the high level of inflation, rapper 50 Cent changes his name to 50 Large. The Federal Reserve announces it will issue a digital currency, called Bernie, which people can use to buy things now and pay for later. In the College Football Playoff Championship game, the University of Cincinnati defeats an all-star team of players from the five major power conferences. Amazon announces a Prime Privilege Plus Program allowing customers to pay an annual fee to have a personally dedicated delivery vehicle and driver. Not content with a three-loss season, Clemson fires Dabo Swinney and replaces him with Eric Bendig, previously the head coach at Philip Simmons High School.  

 

FEBRUARY

 

Despite diplomatic boycotts, the XXIV Olympic Winter Games open in Beijing. The Chinese are accused of building an ice rink that can be mechanically tilted so that its ice hockey players skate downhill while other countries’ teams skate uphill. The Chinese claim they are not at fault and blame the World Health Organization. Queen Elizabeth celebrates her platinum jubilee quietly at Buckingham Palace watching the final two seasons of “The Crown.” The New England Patriots defeat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in Super Bowl LVI after the halftime show is interrupted by a flyover of Chinese hypersonic missiles.

 

MARCH

 

On March 14, the Center for Disease Control announces it has identified a Pi variant of COVID. William Shatner asks Jeff Bezos to send him on another Blue Origin flight, explaining that he thinks he left his glasses and car keys in space. Publix announces that they might possibly have a press release about tentative plans to enlarge their Daniel Island store at some unspecified future date. The military goes into high alert after President Biden misplaces the nuclear launch codes. They are later found in a trash can at a Baskin-Robbins. For the first time since the 1990s, there are no properties for sale on Daniel Island.

 

APRIL

 

In response to continued calls for her to visit, Vice President Harris makes a trip to South of the Border. “I should have come here long before this. It’s fabulous and I love it!” she tells reporters atop the Sombrero Tower near I-95. The Credit One Open draws huge crowds due to both its newly renovated stadium and the addition of a pickleball division. In an innovative move to combat flooding in downtown Charleston, Mayor Tecklenburg hangs DampRids from all parking meters and street lights. A Daniel Island resident makes the list of Guinness World Records for receiving the longest drug store receipt tape.

 

MAY

 

A driver from the Wando Terminal aggressively maneuvers his Peterbilt truck to first place in the Indianapolis 500. Hoisting the traditional bottle of milk in victory lane, he tells reporters, “This was way easier than a day on I-526.” Former President Trump joins the list of billionaires funding a space exploration company. At the press conference unveiling Bombastica, Trump declares, “This is an incredible space company and you know I know a lot about space. Okay? Way more unbelievable and beautiful than those other guys’ space rides. Such a fantastic rocket ship. So great. Huge!”

 

JUNE

 

Elon Musk announces Tesla will expand its manufacturing footprint by building a plant on the Charleston peninsula. When asked why he chose Charleston, Musk replies, “Water. Our plant in California is always facing water shortages. Here in Charleston, you can just walk into the street and scoop it up by the bucketful.” The top selling Father’s Day gift is meggings. The 16th annual Rotary Charity Duck Race is a success, raising over $100,000 for area charities and service projects. An economic bellwether is a report from Nashville that new country songs tend to no longer talk about drinking and freight trains but now sing about inflation and supply chains.

 

JULY

 

Chinese hackers reset the codes to the gold vault at Fort Knox. President Xi offers to open the vault only if the United States will stand down while China takes over Taiwan. Mark Zuckerberg donates billions to launch the Metaverse Political Party, intended to appeal to voting age members of Generation Z by running avatars for public office to replace human politicians. In postings on Facebook, WhatsApp, and Instagram, Zuckerberg, speaking Gen Z slang, states, “TBH, I am pressed with current politicians and will be totally ghosting them. I’m finna supporting Metaverse avatar candidates. They are so high-key dank. Peridot!”

 

AUGUST

 

President Biden warns China to keep their hands off Taiwan or it could trigger him dropping, “you know, the thing.” He does offer China a number of Hunter Biden art NFTs and the NBA if they release the gold. The Portland Oregon School Board votes to give students the answers to exams in advance to promote a more equitable educational experience. The NSA suspends a test, conducted on members of Congress using neurofeedback technology, to better understand human brain behavior. An NSA spokesperson says the tests did not produce sufficient evidence of useable brain activity.

 

SEPTEMBER

 

Amid negotiations as tense as the Cuban missile crisis, China agrees to restore the original codes on the Fort Knox gold vault, pledges not to invade Taiwan “for now,” refuses the Hunter Biden art NFTs, but keeps the NBA. Netflix debuts its new series, “Dalton and Grace,” starring Bill Murray and Mary Steenburgen. California reports a steady outflow of people relocating to Mexico for better living conditions. With many workers still not returning to offices, New York City begins to convert high-rise office buildings into vertical farming. Fueled by EV tax credits, the number of golf carts exceeds the number of cars on Daniel Island.

 

OCTOBER

 

LeBron James scores 48 points on the opening night of the NBA season as the Wuhan Wet Markets defeat the Beijing Bats. To celebrate the 10th anniversary of the legalization of recreational marijuana, Colorado changes its official state song from Where the Columbines Grow to Rocky Mountain High. The Cleveland Guardians conclude a magical season defeating the San Francisco Wokes in the MLB World Series. A Charleston audiologist reports a sharp decline in senior citizen patients due to mask wearing. She adds, “Masks pull their ears forward and perpendicular to their head. These old folks can now hear like bats!”

 

NOVEMBER

 

To promote greater focus on Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales, many luxury retailers announce a date for Smash-and-Grab Saturday. In the midterm elections, voting machines nationwide malfunction and record all votes for Metaverse candidates. “It’s as if they have a mind of their own,” laments one election official. Members of Congress caucus to discuss how they might respond by actually working together. COVID cases, which have been declining for months, fade away. There is a huge increase in payments using facial recognition biometrics, but beautiful people learn that looks only go so far.

 

DECEMBER

 

While meteorologists say the effect is caused by strong winds, many people report hearing the sound of trumpets. People become more motivated to seek each other out. They talk openly and listen attentively to one another. Social media usage plummets. Previously bitter divides are bridged. Civility, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control increase. Anger over daily trivialities and self-centeredness decline. Sharing and generosity grow while selfishness subsides. Faithfulness and church attendance soar. National leaders no longer lift up sword against nation. And there are good tidings of great joy and on earth peace, good will toward man.