How good are you at letting go?
So often, when we think about letting go or moving on, we speak about relationships, careers, and loss. But the concept applies far more broadly, encompassing habits and beliefs – not to mention the items we accumulate throughout our lives!
“Letting go requires self-awareness and courage, as it often involves making peace with change and uncertainty,” explain the authors at Beyond Healing counseling. “At its core, letting go is about creating space – space for new relationships, experiences, and opportunities that align with your current values. Whether it’s letting go of a toxic relationship, an outdated belief, or a draining habit, learning to release can help you embrace new opportunities.”
Jamie Varon of thoughtcatalog.com encourages us to “reassess our beliefs.” Authors Marc and Angel Chernoff talk about the power of “surrendering to change" and embracing “unfamiliar territory.” Abigail Brenner of psychologytoday.com calls letting go “the cornerstone of change.”
INTERNAL VS EXTERNAL
While the two phrases are often linked at the hip, there are worthy distinctions. Letting go is primarily internal – that is, the emotions one releases inside. Moving on is more external – i.e., taking active steps to explore, evolve, and change one’s path. Can a person move on without letting go? It happens every day, because it takes time for emotions to settle. And the opposite? True as well, we can let go without feeling compelled to immediately move on.
A CONTINUOUS WORK IN PROGRESS
Brenner urges us to “clear away the debris of the past" and shares what we know intellectually: “No amount of thinking about it or energy spent on emotions invested in it will change that fact.” What now? “You can change your reaction to it,” says Brenner. “You can reframe your thoughts and feelings more positively to reflect lessons learned and wisdom gained. You can allow yourself to understand that you are a continuous work in progress.”
‘NOT A FAN'
“I’m not a big fan of the term ‘moving on,’” says John Kim of Psychology Today. “I mean, if it’s been four years, it may be time to move forward with your life. But usually, we slam ourselves with the need to ‘move on’ only a few weeks after the breakup.” Pushing oneself to do so “discredits the depth of what happened,” says Kim, who wishes to recast the phrase: “You are not moving on; you’re moving through.”
THE SEASONS OF OUR LIFE
Varon insists that “we don’t move on enough" and maintains, "We need to see the next big things in our lives.” Adds Varon: “We don’t let the seasons of our lives change…. I believe life is about growth, to constantly move and reveal parts of who you are and test the limits of your love and compassion and flexibility and resiliency. I think chasing permanence means chasing suffering, because you will always come up short.”
Varon recognizes the “responsibilities that cannot be easily abandoned,” but argues “those are not usually the things that keep us fixed in one spot.” Instead, she says, it’sour beliefs that slow us down. She wishes for us to “reassess” and “uproot” those beliefs.
Varon earns the final word: “We forget that we are surrounded by renewal. The foundation of nature is based on renewal.” So why not renew ourselves?
Columnist Steve Ferber is a Daniel Island resident.