How good are you at being kind to yourself?

To begin, a short quiz. 

 

Name the three people with whom you’ve spent the most time in the last two years. Feel free to take a moment as you contemplate the answer. We’ll wait. Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm. 

 

No rush, take your time. 

 

Our quiz, of course, is a bit of tomfoolery but its answer is anything but. The person with whom you spend the most time, moment-in, moment-out (no need to jot this one down) is you. The point is translucent: when it comes to kindness, we often neglect the person with whom we spend all of our time. 

 

Why is that? 

 

The world’s universal message is to treat others kindly, to avoid criticism and blame, to impart love and understanding. So why do we abandon these precepts when dealing with ourselves? 

 

Our inner critic

There’s no doubt that self-criticism has a role, and one probably linked to survival. After all, if we don’t behave in a reasonable manner, those who protect us, and those who look out for us, might no longer wish to do so. 

 

But, too often, our inner critic dominates the internal conversation. Psychotherapist Brooke Schwartz suggests we befriend our inner critic, approach it with curiosity, adopting an “Oh, it’s you again” attitude. When our inner critic rises, Schwartz encourages us to ask ourselves three questions: 

 

1. “Why did my inner critic show up and tell me that right now?”  

 

2. “What emotion is my inner critic asking me to focus on?” and 

 

3. “Is my inner critic worried I’m in danger?”

 

Science writer Tasha Eichenseher, quotes psychotherapist Sam Nabit, “We find it difficult to be kind to ourselves because our inner critics have a louder voice.” 

 

“Self-criticism is a defense mechanism; it protects us from the potential dangers that our brain perceives from uncertainty.” Adds counselor Laurie Gatti, again quoted by Eichenseher: “There is also the misconception that in order to achieve or produce, we need to be hard on ourselves.”

 

Turning criticism into compassion

Where do we begin? With self-comfort, self-love, self-kindness, self-care and positive self-talk, but the key, experts seem to gravitate to, is developing self-compassion.

 

And it’s not the same as self-esteem.

 

Schwartz explains: “While self-esteem involves comparing your abilities with others’, or against a gold standard, in order to feel superior or valued, self-compassion orients you to the act of caring for yourself regardless of your abilities. Research shows that self-compassion provides greater emotional resilience and stability than self-esteem. And that’s not all.”

 

Writing for the Harvard Business Review, authors Rakshitha Arni Ravishankar and Kelsey Alpaio make clear that, “The most effective ways to alleviate stress, worry, and general anxieties about our life is to practice more deliberate kindness and self-compassion.”

 

Three of their poignant messages are, “It’s not selfish to show up for yourself. You’re worth taking care of, no matter what your brain tells you. It’s not your job to please everyone. But there is one person you need to stand by, yourself.” 

 

Make self-care a routine

“Include self-care in your routine,” recommend the authors at calm.com, who then define self-kindness, “[It’s] being aware of your own needs and taking steps to meet them. Acknowledging your needs can mean setting aside time for relaxation, pursuing hobbies you enjoy, or simply allowing yourself some quiet time to reflect and recharge.” To become more self-compassionate? “Start by noticing the good traits about yourself and acknowledging your efforts.” 

 

Today again, you’ll hear your inner critic. When you do, take a moment to say hello, a pleasant greeting might even be in order. Then ask it a question or three. The answers might be revealing.