How good are you at pursing your lips?

Editor’s note: This is the third of a three-part series on the Power of Words. 

Part 1: Translating the words we hear (thedanielislandnews.com/opinions/how-good-translator-are-you); 

Part 2: Self-talk (thedanielislandnews.com/opinions/how-good-are-you-self-talk).

 

Toothpaste? Feathers? 

 

“We know the words we speak to others are powerful,” writes Jennifer Schoonover, in her piece for thegritandgraceproject.org. “It has been said that words are like toothpaste, once it’s squeezed out, you cannot put it back in.”

 

“Words slip out of our mouths,” says Carl John Fechner, in his “Growing Deep and Strong” series, “and then we can’t take them back once they have been spoken. It’s like trying to pick up the pillow full of feathers once they have been scattered to the wind.”

 

When we speak, we hold the power to dramatically alter our relationships – for both good and bad, so we must be mindful. When someone speaks to us unkindly, how should we respond? When someone is in crisis, what’s the best thing to say? And in what situations should we simply keep our lips closed, and listen? 

 

When someone is unkind to us

Sarah Barkley, writing for powerofpositivity.com, points to the obvious: when someone says something unkind, responding in kind rarely satisfies. She offers 10 phrases to use, here are four of them:

 

● “I hear you, but I’m not okay with how unkind you’re being.”

 

● “Maybe you didn’t realize how hurtful your words were.”

 

● “I think we can discuss this more respectfully.”

 

● “You’re being unkind, and I need you to stop.”

 

Professor Susan Krauss Whitbourne, as quoted by Sarah DiGiulio, says that, at times, we should “attribute bad behavior maybe not to the person, but to the situation.” 

 

And parenting expert Claire Lerner encourages us to “communicate to your child that she is a good person who sometimes has a hard time acting kind.” 

 

When someone is in crisis, try ‘The Ring Theory’

Developed by clinical psychologist Susan Silk and Barry Goldman, the Ring Theory guides us on how to speak to those in crisis (e.g., a physical or mental diagnosis, a recent divorce, loss of a child).

 

Picture a series of rings, with the person experiencing the trauma in the center ring. The next ring houses relatives and close friends, while the outer rings include friends, work colleagues and acquaintances, those with whom the person in crisis has less frequent contact. 

 

How exactly does it work? Silk and Goldman explain, in their piece for the LA Times: “The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, ‘Life is unfair’ and ‘Why me?’ That’s the one payoff for being in the center ring. Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.

 

“When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you’re going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn’t, don’t say it. Don’t, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don’t need advice. They need comfort and support.”

 

‘It’s not a sin to have an unexpressed thought’ 

And when is it best to just listen? Offers Doug Fields, senior director of HomeWord, “I’ve learned that I don’t need to say everything that I think. When I slip up and allow the statements to escape my mouth, I end up wounding others, triggering more reactions, demeaning those I love, heightening tension levels, and create negative memories.”

 

Notes Michael Josephson: “Another lame excuse is ‘I was just telling the truth,’ without considering whether that truth needed to be told and whether it needed to be told by that person at that time in that way. Honesty does not preclude tact. It’s not a sin to have an unexpressed thought.” 

 

We leave you with words attributed to Mahatma Gandhi: “Speak only when you feel your words are better than your silence.”