Let go of the pain: It's time for forgiveness
Nearly every day, no less every lifetime, we experience moments that trigger negative emotions. On the lighter side, it may be a harsh word or a rude encounter. On the darker side, it’semotional or physical abuse.
No matter the weight, strong bodies of research maintain that learning to forgive will not only ease our pain but actually improve our health. Authors at the Mayo Clinic share: “If you hold on to the pain, you might be the one who pays most dearly.”
Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning the act, nor does it mean having to reconcile with the perpetrator. Instead, says Robert Enright (who created the International Forgiveness Institute in 1994), “Forgiveness is about extending mercy to those who’ve harmed us, even if they don’t ‘deserve’ it. It is not about finding excuses for the offending person’s behavior or pretending it didn’t happen.”
A survey by the nonprofit Fetzer Institute found that 62% of American adults wish to be more forgiving. Yet, for many, the notion is seen as a sign of weakness. How do we reconcile the two?
RECOGNIZING THE VALUE
Above all, in order to forgive, we must first acknowledge its benefits – both to you and the perpetrator. The literature is clear, and the list of physical and emotional benefits are endless: less depression, anxiety, and anger; less nervousness, restlessness, and sadness; higher self-esteem; a stronger immune system; improved heart health; and greater life satisfaction.
Explains neuroscientist Emiliana Simon-Thomas at berkeley.edu: “In brain studies of forgiveness, researchers find that forgiving activates structures and pathways in the brain that improve resilience and social connection more broadly and empower you to step beyond painful experiences in an energized, motivated, and connected way.”
Enright, regarded by many as the “father of forgiveness,” goes so far as to say, “The more hurt you have incurred, the more important it is to forgive, at least for the purpose of experiencing emotional healing.”
DECISIONAL VS. EMOTIONAL
The authors at Harvard Health Publishing explain that “there are two sides to forgiveness: decisional and emotional. Decisional forgiveness involves a conscious choice to replace ill will with good will. Quoting Dr. Tyler VanderWeele: “You no longer wish bad things to happen to that individual. This is often quicker and easier to accomplish. Emotional forgiveness is much harder and takes longer, as it's common for those feelings to return on a regular basis.”
LEARNING TO FORGIVE
Embracing the benefits and taking active steps to forgive are two entirely different challenges. A few perspectives:
Amy Westervelt at aeon.co: “Letting go of hurt and anger is a grind, and forgiveness only works if you practice it regularly,and are prepared to fail often without giving up. But the pay-off is so huge it just might be worth it.”
Karen Swartz, M.D., as quoted by hopkinsmedicine.org: “It is an active process in which you make a conscious decision to let go of negative feelings, whether the person deserves it or not.”
Mitchell Liester, M.D., at psychologytoday.com: “Forgiveness is a multiphase process: uncover anger, decide to forgive, understand the offender, and find meaning . . . [But] forgiveness does not mean remaining in abusive situations or disregarding justice. Forgiveness that bypasses anger can actually impede healing.”
WHEN FORGIVENESS IS HARD
Two tips from the experts: 1) build a team; and 2) share the pain.
Enright: “Surround yourself with good and wise people who support you. Practice with someone who is easier to forgive.”
Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects: “There’s such good research on resilience showing that people who go through harmful experiences and don’t tell anybody have much worse consequences than people who do tell others. The human connection is central to healing.”
Healing. That’s the key.