What I heard is not what she said: Tips for better listening

"There is a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak." - Simon Sinek 

Years ago, when our firstborn daughter was just a few months old, my wife called me at work one day to ask if I would stop by the store on my way home to pick up some rice cereal for our daughter's bottle. 

Our pediatrician had suggested this to my wife, and I was more than happy as a proud new father to help out. After all, how hard could it be to pick up some rice cereal? 

When I arrived at the grocery store, I dutifully made my way to the cereal aisle. After a few minutes of comparing brands and prices, I settled on a choice I thought would not only please my wife but, more importantly, our new daughter. 

The only problem was that not only did I not pick out the right cereal, but I was not even on the right aisle in the store. When I arrived home with Popeye’s Puffed Rice cereal, not Gerber’s Rice cereal, she was less than pleased that I had made such a boneheaded mistake. We both got a big laugh out of it, but clearly, we were not on the same page. 

While my heart was in the right place, the choice was not. She put the cereal up in the pantry as a visual reminder for me going forward that when I am sent to the store for something, I should be sure to understand what I am going for and how important it is that I listen to her. 

I can’t say that over the years I have always returned from the store with exactly what she wanted, and at times I tried to explain that I had no idea how certain items just happened to “fall into the cart” and end up bringing them home. 

I’ve learned that there is, at times, a vast difference between what she said, what I heard, and the outcome. When it comes to listening, connecting the dots doesn’t always come easy in marriage, in your leadership, in your workplace, or in how you lead the people around you. 

In leadership, listening is your relational equity. It’s what will separate you from those who just want to talk and be heard. 

John Maxwell framed it this way when he said, “Earn the right to be heard by listening to others. Seek to understand a situation before making judgments about it.” And this is such a powerful thought. Most leaders are working hard to earn the right to speak when they should be working hard to earn the right to be heard by listening.  

Because it’s an essential tool in your leadership arsenal, here are a few of my suggestions for listening.  

Lean in and make eye contact 

When in conversation with those you lead, make a point of leaning in and making eye contact. This intentional act signals that nothing is more important to you in that moment than what that person has to say. You can learn more about your people, and learn more from them, when you lean in and listen. 

There is a time and place for you to speak to your people. But you are earning the right to be heard when you listen.  

Practice mirroring and clarifying questions 

When in conversation with another person, not only should you practice the art of leaning in, but, when appropriate, also mirror and ask clarifying questions. 

By mirroring what the other person has said, you demonstrate that you are fully engaged and truly listening. By asking clarifying questions, you are preventing potential misunderstandings. These two simple practices can dramatically remove potential pitfalls between what was said and what was heard. 

By practicing these two simple techniques, you can improve your listening skills and reduce misunderstandings that lead to unnecessary conflict. It will improve workplace culture, and it will keep you off the cereal aisle. 

Learn more at dougdickerson.net/. Email Doug at Dougdickersonleadership@gmail.com. ©2025 Doug Dickerson